Barb's Blog

When women divorce and are looking for divorce support, and later wondering about life after divorce, one of the most valuable things we can do is to take time, now and then, to sit quietly and simply "be."

Sometimes it can help if we sit with a cup of tea, or a bowl of ice cream, or a pad of paper and a pen to journal any thoughts or feelings that may come along.

Recently I had an image of myself sitting alone by a campfire on a beautiful star-filled night.  Next to me was the heavy backpack I'd been carrying for so long.  I kept it with me always, and the times it became too heavy for me to carry - or I became too weak - I would drag it along.

I have much further to travel in my life, and I'm exhausted.  If I'm ever going to move from this place, I need to examine the contents  of this backpack and decide what to leave here by the fire, and what precious things I want to continue to keep with me.

I honor my history and bless it, so I will not discard my history.  But I have decided I will discard the derogatory commentary and the judgment about it that hold me back and weigh me down and drain all my energy.

We each have the power to do this.  And when we do, our history will not be something heavy that we carry on our shoulders.  Instead, our history will flow around us like a brilliant cloak.  It will support every step we take like a great, strong pair of hiking boots.  It will whisper in our ear and guide us along our path.

How does this happen - this sorting out of our lives?  I'm not sure, but I do know how it begins.

It begins when we can sit quietly and simply "be."

When women divorce, there comes a time when we resolve to move forward with a new life after divorce, and rescue ourselves from difficulties and painful memories.  All the divorce support we find, tells us moving forward will take a lot of introspection, soul-searching, and trust.

After much hard work, dealing with with the issues of my divorce, and personal issues, I felt I was improving and healing, and I was so grateful and proud of my personal growth.

Then one day I saw my ex, and everything I thought I had accomplished vanished in a flash. I was overwhelmed with intense emotions.  I became despondent and frustrated.  I was certain I was a failure, and that I'd never get my life back together.

I confided my fears to a dear friend who had been divorced for many years. 

"Oh, she said, "you just had The Visit."

"The Visit?" I asked.  "What are you talking about?"

She explained that every once in a while, emotions, memories, pain and hurt will come flooding back.  It didn't mean that I was sliding back down a hill into the morass and the muck of my old ways.  It didn't mean I had failed to move forward.  It simply meant that I was human, and it was natural that powerful emotions would resurface every once in a while.

"As time goes by," she explained, "The Visit will come less, with less intensity, and will last for less time.  And then one day it will no longer return."

As we each resolve to move forward, let us please be gentle and patient with ourselves.  Let us remember that even with The Visit appearing now and then, we are on our way, and our future still holds much promise.

If you are looking for support on your journey, please consider joining our monthly Dinners at Biaggi's Restaurant in Eden Prairie. listed on our News and Events Page.

When we are getting a divorce we do what we can to protect our broken hearts.  And when we, as women of divorce, reach out for divorce support, we can choose to heal our hearts as well.

Some women feel as if they have been freed from a cage, and their heart feels light and revived.  Others feel their hearts have been so damaged and abused, they can barely breathe.

In whatever condition we find ourselves, Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC (www.deebailey.com) reminds us to care for and strengthen our hearts by saying "Yes" to what fills us up and saying "No" when we need, especially to things that drain our energy.

She reminds us to accept the support of others and to take a moment, if we are able, to help someone else who is in need of support themselves.

She encourages us to expect to heal and to watch for signs of hope.     

A sign might be that we no longer find our eyes filling with tears when we are in the frozen food section of the grocery store, or that we are able to notice a beautiful sunrise, or that we have stopped eating entire cartons of ice cream!

Dee understands the importance of honoring who we've been, who we are now, and who we are becoming.   And what a gift, to be able to choose who we are becoming and develop our identity and a clearer sense of ourselves.  When we look, not only at what is lost and what is left, but we also look at what is possible, the world opens up to us.

As our heart heals, it can once again lead us, we can trust it, and we can create a future for ourselves and our family that is filled with love and blessing and our own unique happily ever after.

For women and divorce the road to recovery can seem terribly daunting. We want divorce help to move through this often painful process, but sometimes it feels as if the journey will never end.  There is much divorce support and divorce advice available, but it can often overwhelm us.  So we decide to take one step at a time but are unsure what those steps should be.

Here are four simple steps, that if repeated, can get you wherever you want to go.

Step 1: Start.  Do one thing.  It may be to call your attorney, start a budget, go for a walk or eat a bowl of ice cream.  Sometimes the step you take may be going backwards. Try not to fret too much when that happens, because it happens to us all.

Step 2: Celebrate Step 1.  Balloons don't need to come down from the ceiling, but acknowledge your courage by getting yourself fresh flowers, soaking in the tub, or simply smiling back at yourself in the mirror and proclaiming, "I took a step.  Good job!"

Step 3: Stop when you need. Listen to your body.  It is very wise and will let you know if you need to rest, breath, cry, or simply be still for a few moments.

Step 4: Start again.

You may be shaking your head and thinking, "How these few steps can make any difference at all, when this process feels like a marathon?" 

Respect the Distance is a phrase that is familiar to those who do run marathons, and it's valuable advice - not just for runners. When you respect the distance in your personal "marathon," you will be kinder to yourself. And when that happens, you will be better able to focus and access your skills and your wisdom.

Continue to put one foot in front of the other.  You are moving towards more than a finish line.  You are moving towards your new future....one step at a time.

Recently I received an email stating that for many women and divorce, though the Prince may be gone, the Princess still wants those glass slippers.  I laughed and thought - you bet -  who wouldn't want a great pair of shoes!

I understand that over time our glass slippers have become scratched and dull and are probably chipped at the toe. And I realize that these beautiful glass slippers represent all the beautiful dreams we had for our future, and we want those dreams back.  

When we are ready, we can polish our glass slippers, add some bling, and be better able to keep them from being damaged again.  And if we want, we can exchange them for running shoes, hiking boots, ballet slippers, and even flip-flops!  Or we can create a closet filled with shoes and a future filled with dreams, for life is filled with possilbilites.

Thank you Kristen Naros from Naros Law for inspiring this blog!

For many women in divorce the idea of wearing a costume and going trick or treating brings back childhood memories of walking through the neighborhood on crisp autumn evenings, collecting bags filled with treats, and then sitting on the living room floor sorting out favorite candies.

The Saturday night before this year's Halloween, I was invited out with friends and had to wear a costume.  Since I didn't have one, they insisted I stop by their home early in the evening, and they would have something ready for me to wear.

Then I realized something spooky.  Many of us were married to a spouse who was in disguise, who hid his true self behind a mask.

But even more frightening was that many of us began to wear our own disguise, especially if we were in emotionally (or physically) dangerous relationships.  We disguised our feelings and our thoughts to keep peace and to protect ourselves.  We believed this would keep us safe, but we were wrong. And we began to disappear.

It takes tremendous courage to take off our mask and see who we really are.

The Trick is to trust how we truly feel and what we instinctively know.  And the Treat is that we will rediscover our authentic self.

Then we can dress ourselves, not in disguises that hide us, but in costumes that reflect this genuine self. We can delight in the glitter of our costumes and enjoy how cool we feel when we spin and our cape twirls around us.

We all have the power of Wonder Woman, the grace of a Princess, the ability to transform like the Butterfly.  My costume that Saturday night was Spider Woman.  In many Native American traditions, the spider is a reminder that we are the weavers of our own destiny and that we have the ability to weave the past and the future and create delicate, yet very strong threads that sparkle when touched by the sun.

Please remember your power, your grace, and your abilities to tranform and to weave a new and beautiful life.

There is so much advice for women, and for women and divorce in regards to financial support and guidance.  Many excellent books have  been written, and there are many great financial planners to choose from.

I have been unsure of what to share about this topic, because some divorced women are financially secure and comfortable, while many others are stuggling and scared.  Some of us have strong money management skills, and others have found ourselves with no money left to manage.  Our emotions range from feeling irritated to being terrified.

May these four points be helpful to every one of you.

1. Surround yourself with strong professional help.  Find a financial planner, a banker, and an insurance agent who you trust and are comfortable working with.  And, if after some time you feel any of these professionals is not a good fit for you, find someone else.  Many of us will stay in a bad relationship too long...whether it be personal or professional.

2.  Start where you are.  If you can only save $5 a month, that is where you start.  If you want to contribute to a cause that is dear to your heart, and you can only contribute $3, that is what you do.  As you rebuild your life, your finances will grow, and you will be able to do more for yourself and for others.

3. Attitude is so important.  Don't you get tired of people saying this!  Yes, you will be able to rebuild your life.  Please believe this, and value yourself and your fututre.  Please be grateful for what you do have.  And please remember it's not cold, hard, cash...it's soft and warm!

4.  Be willing to move forward.  When a friend found herself stuck and feeling angry about being financially damaged by her divorce, she decided to consider her financial loss the ransom she paid for having saved her life, and to treaure the new life she was beginning.

Starting where you are, and moving forward with a great attitude and professional support, will empower you to build the strong, solid financial foundation for your life that we each deserve.

On a Friday night at the beginning of August, I went to the Carver County Fair with three friends....all of us women of divorce. Life after divorce can be quite an adventure, and we were quite a group.  One of us had trouble walking, one had trouble hearing, and I had trouble staying awake.  Luckily the youngest was in great shape and kept us moving!

We ate.  We looked at horses, cows, goats, and sheep.  We ate.  We looked at beautiful floral arrangements and colorful quilts.  We ate.  And we laughed and laughed.

Friendship heals and comforts and is a precious medicine for the soul. 

We hear much about self-care, especially during divorce.  We are instructed to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and keep our attitudes positive so we can move forward. There seems to be such a rush to move forward, and sometimes this all seems like simply too much work.

Instead of moving forward, Friday felt like going back in time, remembering fairs we attended when we were young, how we loved horses, and how we used to be able to eat a lot more before our stomachs got upset!

At the end of the evening I was calmer, more hopeful, more light-hearted, and more trusting that there is still so much joy to be found in life.

During my divorce, joy seemed, maybe not lost, but so very far away.  And with all the other losses of that time, I had also lost those friends who felt they had to choose sides and so decided to remain connected to my ex.

But extraordinary new friends have appeared to join the other dear women who have always supported me.  When I focus too much on work and the practical pieces of life, they bring me with them out into the world...to fairs and on boat rides and to shopping adventures.

Their presence in my life gives me energy, confidence, encouragement and is a powerful force of healing. These gifts are wating for each of us whenever we reach out to a friend.

Communication can be quite a challenge when it comes to divorce and women.  Often our self esteem can be at it's lowest, while at the same time we are trying to absorb all the divorce advice possible.

To communicate we often feel we have to justify and defend our position to our soon-to-be ex, which can lead to yelling, fighting, and tears, and which we learn through experience, is rarely effective.

A client of mine shared what happened when her soon-to-be-ex, who had moved out of their home, came by to pick up some of his belongings.  He wanted to be able to come and go from the house as he pleased and upon learning she had changed the locks, he let loose a barrage of angry intimidating comments, insisting this was not acceptable.  Then he waited for her to join him in an argument he planned on winning. 

And though there was much she wanted to shout back, she simply stated, as unemotionally as possible, "Yes, I changed the locks."

She hadn't responded the way he had hoped, so he shifted gears, becoming very solicitous, explaining in a soft voice why she didn't need to change the locks, thinking this would be how he got his way. But she calmly repeated, "Yes, I changed the locks."

Frustrated, he returned to angry intimidation.  She responded a third time, "Yes, I changed the locks."

Confused, he turned and left.  She sensed he was muttering to himself and shaking his head as he walked away.

She felt relieved, empowered, and a bit surprised.

By not engaging in a battle, there was no battle.  By simply stating a fact, instead of justifying herself or getting into an argument, she saved herself the wounds of a painful fight.  Her story is a powerful reminder of what can happen when we are calm, clear, steady, and straightforward.

Issues may not always be resolved in our favor, but we will be certain we have been heard - which is a gift during our divorce, and in every area of our life.   

When the divorce feels overwhelming, you may become resentful that you are always expected to be strong, especially when the divorce process causes you to become exhausted and feel powerless. But women in divorce don't always have to be charging forward.  Many of us were taught that being hard on ourselves is what makes us strong. But it is when we cherish ourselves that we gain strength. And sometimes the best way to show your strength is to stop, have piece of chocolate, go for a walk, or curl up on the sofa. 

And we each possess unique personal strengths.  Those things we are naturally good at, that energize us and put a sparkle in our eye. But in the commotion of life, it is very possible to lose touch with these wonderful strengths, especialy if you have been in a toxic and/or abusive situation. And then sometimes we begin to doubt. 

Do I have any strengths?

Did I ever have any strengths?

What are my strengths anyway?

Where did they disappear to?

Will I ever be able to find them?

How will I recognize them as mine?

The good news is that there are many ways to re-discover these strengths, or maybe discover them for the first time.  You can be very thorough and take a Meyers-Briggs test. Or you may prefer to attend a work-related seminar, or just answer a quiz from the back of a magazine!  You can talk to a therapist or a psychic or a friend.  You can look to the stars and have your astrological chart done, or you can listen to motivational CDs and read motivational books. 

And best of all, you can simply sit quietly, ask questions of yourself, and then trust what you hear.  

As you cherish yourself and reclaim your strengths, you will sense a new power and hope and the possiblities of a beautiful, fulfilling future.

Tremendous sadness is all too familiar for women and divorce.  I was great at being sad.  If it was a sport, I was performing at Olympic an level!  But try as I might, I could not "do" anger.  You see, I never learned how to deal with anger, because was brought up to be a Nice Girl, and Nice Girls don't get angry.

As any serious athlete, I asked for help.  My coach - well, my therapist - gave me two assignments.  First I was to purchase a large pad of paper and a big box of crayons, place the pad on the table, take a crayon from the box, and scribble my anger onto the top sheet.

How silly, I thought.  But the first time I tried, I turned  my head away and squeezed my eyes shut.  Did it frighten me to see my anger, even on a piece of paper? Was I afraid I was going to be punished when my dark thoughts appreared in my scribbling?

Eventually I could watch my hand fly across the pages, sometimes pressing so hard I tore through the paper. When I finished I always felt calmer and sometimes even exhasuted, like I had just finished an intense workout.

My second exercise was to write the letters to my ex that would never be sent.  I wrote some doozies! One day, sitting down to write yet another to add to my stack, I realized I was writing the same things over and over. It was getting boring!  So, I wrote instead to my anger...

"Dear Anger,  Enough already!  What is the deal anyway?"  As I wrote I began to understand my anger was a valuable tool, warning me when something was dangerous. And it had a powerful energy that pushed me into action, helping me get of the sofa and move forward in my life. 

These are vital gifts for all of us... even Nice Girls!

Joining the ranks of other women and divorce, I came to the painful realization that duirng my marriage I had lost my voice, and with it, the ability to speak my truth.  I hoped finding it would be like finding my car keys at the bottom of my purse or the sunglasses I had forgotten I'd placed on top of my head.  I was wrong!

After searching outside of myself for a long time, I realized my voice wasn't lost.  It was hidden.  I had buried it deep inside myself to protect it from being battered and atttacked.

It was buried so deep, sometimes I could only hear it whisper to me.  And in all the racket of daily life, soon I could hear nothing.  There was only silence.  I ached, sensing I'd lost touch with something vital and not remembering what it was.

When we lose our voice, our spirit fades, we feel unsettled and anxious.  We believe we are powerless, give up on ourselves, and stop trusting ourselves.  We can become depressed and resentful.  Some of us rage inappropriately.  And then we desperately look to other people or material things to define us.

To excavate our precious voice takes courge and patience.  I had always believed if I spoke my truth, I would be abandoned.  I had forgotten (or it hurts to admit, I never experienced), that someone who truly loved me would listen to me with respect.  Then I realized, by silencing my voice, I was the one who abandoned myself.

Determined never to let this happen again, I began to ignore the racket and listen carefully for those whipsers.  There was tremendous power in this simple act.  The more I listened, the stronger my voice became, and soon I found the courage to act on what I heard.

Maybe finding our voice is like finding our car keys and sunglasses.  We can get behind the wheel of our life, protect our eyes form any harsh glare, and start down the road singing our favorite song.

The emotional rollercoster for women and divorce can take your breath away.  You can fly from grief to hope to rage to confidence to depression to determination with such force that it makes your stomach flip.  When I was divorcing there were days I could swing through this cycle three or four times before breakfast!

Please know you are not alone, you have not lost your mind, and sometimes like a roller coaster, all you can do is hang on.

And when you do, interesting things start to happen.

1. As you are forced to feel all these emotions, you become very honest with yourself.  And honesty is vital.  It may be the most important asset you have.

2. The purpose of our emotions (as Harold Kushner writes) is to help us feel and participate fully in our lives.  Our culture tends to make us feel there is something wrong with pain, and it must be drugged or denied and avoided at any cost.  But many times the best medicine is a good cry.

3. You can't heal from emotions you don't acknowledge.  Suppressing your emotions can cause you to yell at the checkout person in the grocery store. And if you keep your pain buried deep inside, they can make you very sick.

4. Emotions are powerful teachers.  They force us to look back at our history and look down into our hearts, and they demand we pay attention.  When you do this, you can discover lost pieces of yourself.  Some will be broken, and some will be hiding.  Don't discount them.  Embrace them.  They are treasures and have been waiting patiently for you to reclaim them.

These pieces of yourself may have been silent for years, but they have much to teach you.  They will whisper, "You are a survivor.  You are strong.  You have value. You will no longer be diminished."

Women in divorce sometimes find themselves overwhelmed by fears.  Fear can paralyze you.  It can keep you from making good decisions - or from making any decisions at all.  It can make you believe something is wrong with you and cause you to isolate yourself.  And it can find its way into every part of your life.

I was afraid of being alone, and of the pain I was causing my children, and of not being able to support myself.  I was afraid I was eating too much, or I was not eating enough.  I was afraid my mother would come over, and I hadn't cleaned the bathroom!

Fear can disguise itself as being over-cautious or indecisive.  If you are waiting for all your ducks to get in a row, please know they never will.  And though you can get a duck or two going, new ducks are always hatching!

Fear can also disguise itself as perfectionism, so please set the bar a little lower for yourself.  You will make the best decsions you can.  They might not be perfect, but life isn't about being perfect and it's ok to be human.

How to ease your fear:

1-Understand that fear is a normal reaction to stress and change, and there is nothing wrong with you.

2-Ask for help, and surround yourself with caring friends and professional support.

3-Trust in your ability, your inner strength, and your higher power.

4-Do the best you can one day at a time.  Your best might be to make a budget or take a nap, call your attorney or have a cookie.

5-Journal about your fear.  Writing can help you discover truths and insights.

6. Breathe!  Take a slow deep breath every so often during the day, especially if you start to feel overwhelmed.  It's calming, it helps you stay present, and it gets some oxygen into your system all at the same time.