Barb's Blog

For women and divorce the road to recovery can seem terribly daunting. We want divorce help to move through this often painful process, but sometimes it feels as if the journey will never end.  There is much divorce support and divorce advice available, but it can often overwhelm us.  So we decide to take one step at a time but are unsure what those steps should be.

Here are four simple steps, that if repeated, can get you wherever you want to go.

Step 1: Start.  Do one thing.  It may be to call your attorney, start a budget, go for a walk or eat a bowl of ice cream.  Sometimes the step you take may be going backwards. Try not to fret too much when that happens, because it happens to us all.

Step 2: Celebrate Step 1.  Balloons don't need to come down from the ceiling, but acknowledge your courage by getting yourself fresh flowers, soaking in the tub, or simply smiling back at yourself in the mirror and proclaiming, "I took a step.  Good job!"

Step 3: Stop when you need. Listen to your body.  It is very wise and will let you know if you need to rest, breath, cry, or simply be still for a few moments.

Step 4: Start again.

You may be shaking your head and thinking, "How these few steps can make any difference at all, when this process feels like a marathon?" 

Respect the Distance is a phrase that is familiar to those who do run marathons, and it's valuable advice - not just for runners. When you respect the distance in your personal "marathon," you will be kinder to yourself. And when that happens, you will be better able to focus and access your skills and your wisdom.

Continue to put one foot in front of the other.  You are moving towards more than a finish line.  You are moving towards your new future....one step at a time.

Communication can be quite a challenge when it comes to divorce and women.  Often our self esteem can be at it's lowest, while at the same time we are trying to absorb all the divorce advice possible.

To communicate we often feel we have to justify and defend our position to our soon-to-be ex, which can lead to yelling, fighting, and tears, and which we learn through experience, is rarely effective.

A client of mine shared what happened when her soon-to-be-ex, who had moved out of their home, came by to pick up some of his belongings.  He wanted to be able to come and go from the house as he pleased and upon learning she had changed the locks, he let loose a barrage of angry intimidating comments, insisting this was not acceptable.  Then he waited for her to join him in an argument he planned on winning. 

And though there was much she wanted to shout back, she simply stated, as unemotionally as possible, "Yes, I changed the locks."

She hadn't responded the way he had hoped, so he shifted gears, becoming very solicitous, explaining in a soft voice why she didn't need to change the locks, thinking this would be how he got his way. But she calmly repeated, "Yes, I changed the locks."

Frustrated, he returned to angry intimidation.  She responded a third time, "Yes, I changed the locks."

Confused, he turned and left.  She sensed he was muttering to himself and shaking his head as he walked away.

She felt relieved, empowered, and a bit surprised.

By not engaging in a battle, there was no battle.  By simply stating a fact, instead of justifying herself or getting into an argument, she saved herself the wounds of a painful fight.  Her story is a powerful reminder of what can happen when we are calm, clear, steady, and straightforward.

Issues may not always be resolved in our favor, but we will be certain we have been heard - which is a gift during our divorce, and in every area of our life.