Barb's Blog
Women in divorce often search for divorce support when struggling with feelings of shame.
Sometimes we feel shame because we worry about what others may think, and we feel our divorce makes us a failure in some way. An aquaintance felt terrible shame about her divorce. When asked why, she thought for a moment and then, as if a light bulb clicked on over her head, she said, "Oh, I get it! I feel ashamed, because I always judged other women who were divorcing....that won't happen anymore!"
Sometimes we feel shame that we didn't leave our partners sooner and allowed ourselves to remain in a toxic relationship for so long. It's important to remember it often takes time before we are compassionate enough with ourselves to realize that we have done - and are doing - the best we can.
We may feel shame because we are not recovering as quickly as we think we should, or not able to forgive as quickly as we think we should, or not able to do any of the other things we have been led to believe we "should." This often happens when we check in with what we assume others are expecting of us, instead of checking in with ourselves and listening to our own heart. I have heard this called "the gray swamp of 'what will others think."
Of course we want feedback and guidance from good friends and trusted professionals, but that information comes in the form of support and not in the form of judgment.
When shame appears, as it sometimes does, let it simply be a reminder to have compassion for yourself and for others.
And as the fairy godmother in After the Ball reminds the Princess, let this be a reminder to you to...
"Trust yourself, my sweet dear, trust yourself."
After the Ball: A Woman's Tale of Reclaiming Happily Ever After is available exclusively at www.RosePathPress.com
When women divorce and are looking for divorce support, and later wondering about life after divorce, one of the most valuable things we can do is to take time, now and then, to sit quietly and simply "be."
Sometimes it can help if we sit with a cup of tea, or a bowl of ice cream, or a pad of paper and a pen to journal any thoughts or feelings that may come along.
Recently I had an image of myself sitting alone by a campfire on a beautiful star-filled night. Next to me was the heavy backpack I'd been carrying for so long. I kept it with me always, and the times it became too heavy for me to carry - or I became too weak - I would drag it along.
I have much further to travel in my life, and I'm exhausted. If I'm ever going to move from this place, I need to examine the contents of this backpack and decide what to leave here by the fire, and what precious things I want to continue to keep with me.
I honor my history and bless it, so I will not discard my history. But I have decided I will discard the derogatory commentary and the judgment about it that hold me back and weigh me down and drain all my energy.
We each have the power to do this. And when we do, our history will not be something heavy that we carry on our shoulders. Instead, our history will flow around us like a brilliant cloak. It will support every step we take like a great, strong pair of hiking boots. It will whisper in our ear and guide us along our path.
How does this happen - this sorting out of our lives? I'm not sure, but I do know how it begins.
It begins when we can sit quietly and simply "be."
When women divorce, there comes a time when we resolve to move forward with a new life after divorce, and rescue ourselves from difficulties and painful memories. All the divorce support we find, tells us moving forward will take a lot of introspection, soul-searching, and trust.
After much hard work, dealing with with the issues of my divorce, and personal issues, I felt I was improving and healing, and I was so grateful and proud of my personal growth.
Then one day I saw my ex, and everything I thought I had accomplished vanished in a flash. I was overwhelmed with intense emotions. I became despondent and frustrated. I was certain I was a failure, and that I'd never get my life back together.
I confided my fears to a dear friend who had been divorced for many years.
"Oh, she said, "you just had The Visit."
"The Visit?" I asked. "What are you talking about?"
She explained that every once in a while, emotions, memories, pain and hurt will come flooding back. It didn't mean that I was sliding back down a hill into the morass and the muck of my old ways. It didn't mean I had failed to move forward. It simply meant that I was human, and it was natural that powerful emotions would resurface every once in a while.
"As time goes by," she explained, "The Visit will come less, with less intensity, and will last for less time. And then one day it will no longer return."
As we each resolve to move forward, let us please be gentle and patient with ourselves. Let us remember that even with The Visit appearing now and then, we are on our way, and our future still holds much promise.
If you are looking for support on your journey, please consider joining our monthly Dinners at Biaggi's Restaurant in Eden Prairie. listed on our News and Events Page.
When we are getting a divorce we do what we can to protect our broken hearts. And when we, as women of divorce, reach out for divorce support, we can choose to heal our hearts as well.
Some women feel as if they have been freed from a cage, and their heart feels light and revived. Others feel their hearts have been so damaged and abused, they can barely breathe.
In whatever condition we find ourselves, Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC (www.deebailey.com) reminds us to care for and strengthen our hearts by saying "Yes" to what fills us up and saying "No" when we need, especially to things that drain our energy.
She reminds us to accept the support of others and to take a moment, if we are able, to help someone else who is in need of support themselves.
She encourages us to expect to heal and to watch for signs of hope.
A sign might be that we no longer find our eyes filling with tears when we are in the frozen food section of the grocery store, or that we are able to notice a beautiful sunrise, or that we have stopped eating entire cartons of ice cream!
Dee understands the importance of honoring who we've been, who we are now, and who we are becoming. And what a gift, to be able to choose who we are becoming and develop our identity and a clearer sense of ourselves. When we look, not only at what is lost and what is left, but we also look at what is possible, the world opens up to us.
As our heart heals, it can once again lead us, we can trust it, and we can create a future for ourselves and our family that is filled with love and blessing and our own unique happily ever after.
For women and divorce the road to recovery can seem terribly daunting. We want divorce help to move through this often painful process, but sometimes it feels as if the journey will never end. There is much divorce support and divorce advice available, but it can often overwhelm us. So we decide to take one step at a time but are unsure what those steps should be.
Here are four simple steps, that if repeated, can get you wherever you want to go.
Step 1: Start. Do one thing. It may be to call your attorney, start a budget, go for a walk or eat a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes the step you take may be going backwards. Try not to fret too much when that happens, because it happens to us all.
Step 2: Celebrate Step 1. Balloons don't need to come down from the ceiling, but acknowledge your courage by getting yourself fresh flowers, soaking in the tub, or simply smiling back at yourself in the mirror and proclaiming, "I took a step. Good job!"
Step 3: Stop when you need. Listen to your body. It is very wise and will let you know if you need to rest, breath, cry, or simply be still for a few moments.
Step 4: Start again.
You may be shaking your head and thinking, "How these few steps can make any difference at all, when this process feels like a marathon?"
Respect the Distance is a phrase that is familiar to those who do run marathons, and it's valuable advice - not just for runners. When you respect the distance in your personal "marathon," you will be kinder to yourself. And when that happens, you will be better able to focus and access your skills and your wisdom.
Continue to put one foot in front of the other. You are moving towards more than a finish line. You are moving towards your new future....one step at a time.
