Barb's Blog

As women in divorce, seeking help with divorce, and even looking forward to life after divorce, we hear a lot about maintaining healthy boundaries. The idea of boundaries always sounded so empowering to me, though I had no idea what they meant, probably because I never had any!

One day a wise woman offered a simple explanation. "Never walk into the North Wind with your coat held wide open."  As  a native Minnesotan, I understood immediately!

If you do not protect yourself from the harsh wind, not only can you get physically sick, you can become resentful and angry: "Why doesn't it just stop?"  You can become anxious and fearful: "Will this ever end?"  And when frost bite sets in, you become numb and stop feeling anything.

Setting healthy boundaries is a loving gesture and a statement about our dignity.

Many of us either don't realize our coat is open or don't realize we have the power to wrap it around ourselves.  This understanding grows the more we chose to make decisions that are in our own best interest.  This was very difficut for me to learn.  I was taught to value everyone else's  interests above my own, and if I didn't, I believed I was being terribly selfish.  What a surprise to learn that when I did what was best for me, it turned out to be best for eveyone around me.

And I came to understand that boundaries are not just for physical safety, but also for our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual integrity.  When someone tells you how you should or shouldn't feel, what you should or shouldn't think, or how you should or shouldn't connect with your Hgher Power, it is a boundary issue.

Creating, maintaining, and adjusting our boundaries is a life-long process and one that will protect us from whatever the North Wind and Life may blow our way.

Suggeted Reading: Living in Your Comfort Zone by Rochelle Lerner

Suggested Support:  Our Monthly Dinner & Discussions.

When women divorce and are looking for divorce support, and later wondering about life after divorce, one of the most valuable things we can do is to take time, now and then, to sit quietly and simply "be."

Sometimes it can help if we sit with a cup of tea, or a bowl of ice cream, or a pad of paper and a pen to journal any thoughts or feelings that may come along.

Recently I had an image of myself sitting alone by a campfire on a beautiful star-filled night.  Next to me was the heavy backpack I'd been carrying for so long.  I kept it with me always, and the times it became too heavy for me to carry - or I became too weak - I would drag it along.

I have much further to travel in my life, and I'm exhausted.  If I'm ever going to move from this place, I need to examine the contents  of this backpack and decide what to leave here by the fire, and what precious things I want to continue to keep with me.

I honor my history and bless it, so I will not discard my history.  But I have decided I will discard the derogatory commentary and the judgment about it that hold me back and weigh me down and drain all my energy.

We each have the power to do this.  And when we do, our history will not be something heavy that we carry on our shoulders.  Instead, our history will flow around us like a brilliant cloak.  It will support every step we take like a great, strong pair of hiking boots.  It will whisper in our ear and guide us along our path.

How does this happen - this sorting out of our lives?  I'm not sure, but I do know how it begins.

It begins when we can sit quietly and simply "be."

When women divorce, there comes a time when we resolve to move forward with a new life after divorce, and rescue ourselves from difficulties and painful memories.  All the divorce support we find, tells us moving forward will take a lot of introspection, soul-searching, and trust.

After much hard work, dealing with with the issues of my divorce, and personal issues, I felt I was improving and healing, and I was so grateful and proud of my personal growth.

Then one day I saw my ex, and everything I thought I had accomplished vanished in a flash. I was overwhelmed with intense emotions.  I became despondent and frustrated.  I was certain I was a failure, and that I'd never get my life back together.

I confided my fears to a dear friend who had been divorced for many years. 

"Oh, she said, "you just had The Visit."

"The Visit?" I asked.  "What are you talking about?"

She explained that every once in a while, emotions, memories, pain and hurt will come flooding back.  It didn't mean that I was sliding back down a hill into the morass and the muck of my old ways.  It didn't mean I had failed to move forward.  It simply meant that I was human, and it was natural that powerful emotions would resurface every once in a while.

"As time goes by," she explained, "The Visit will come less, with less intensity, and will last for less time.  And then one day it will no longer return."

As we each resolve to move forward, let us please be gentle and patient with ourselves.  Let us remember that even with The Visit appearing now and then, we are on our way, and our future still holds much promise.

If you are looking for support on your journey, please consider joining our monthly Dinners at Biaggi's Restaurant in Eden Prairie. listed on our News and Events Page.

On a Friday night at the beginning of August, I went to the Carver County Fair with three friends....all of us women of divorce. Life after divorce can be quite an adventure, and we were quite a group.  One of us had trouble walking, one had trouble hearing, and I had trouble staying awake.  Luckily the youngest was in great shape and kept us moving!

We ate.  We looked at horses, cows, goats, and sheep.  We ate.  We looked at beautiful floral arrangements and colorful quilts.  We ate.  And we laughed and laughed.

Friendship heals and comforts and is a precious medicine for the soul. 

We hear much about self-care, especially during divorce.  We are instructed to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and keep our attitudes positive so we can move forward. There seems to be such a rush to move forward, and sometimes this all seems like simply too much work.

Instead of moving forward, Friday felt like going back in time, remembering fairs we attended when we were young, how we loved horses, and how we used to be able to eat a lot more before our stomachs got upset!

At the end of the evening I was calmer, more hopeful, more light-hearted, and more trusting that there is still so much joy to be found in life.

During my divorce, joy seemed, maybe not lost, but so very far away.  And with all the other losses of that time, I had also lost those friends who felt they had to choose sides and so decided to remain connected to my ex.

But extraordinary new friends have appeared to join the other dear women who have always supported me.  When I focus too much on work and the practical pieces of life, they bring me with them out into the world...to fairs and on boat rides and to shopping adventures.

Their presence in my life gives me energy, confidence, encouragement and is a powerful force of healing. These gifts are wating for each of us whenever we reach out to a friend.