Barb's Blog

It is difficult for women in divorce when emotions simmer right under the surface.  And with divorce and children, things can become quite "challenging."   I was recently asked the following....

Dear Barb,

I was married for over twenty years and filed for divorce after I discovered my husband had been having multiple affairs throughout our marriage. Because of our young children, I do my best to maintain a “civil” relationship with my ex, but will I ever stop wanting to gag every time I see him?

Signed,

Gagging in Grand Rapids

Dear Gagging,

I’m so sorry for your betrayal. I'm also truly grateful you are sensitive to the needs of your children.  As a strong believer in working with a trusted therapist, it never hurts to keep a bucket handy! The most effective way for many women to reduce the gag reflex is to focus on creating a new wonderful life for yourself.  It sounds trite, but doing things that bring you joy and fill your heart work miracles. Walk, garden, write, hike, volunteer, try someting new.  As your life fills with experiences that lift you up, you will stop reacting so strongly to your ex.  Then be pateint.  This reflex can linger.  Even when we think it is gone, it may reappear every once in a while, though not as often and not as intensely.  Understand the feeling will pass. It is simply a reminder you have saved your life, and are creating a beautiful future.

 Marilyn Groenke, our guest blogger, offers her observations about children and divorce and what parents can do to make the experience of a parental split easier on their children.  Marilyn is the director and facilitator of Parenting Kids Through Divorce (www.parentdivorce.com). She has been teaching court mandated co-parenting classes since 1999 to divorcing, never married, and same sex partners.  These are a few of her insights:

Children need one adult in their lives.....

*who provides a role model worth emulating,

*whose words they can depend on,

*whose expectations of them are consistent,

*who listens without criticizing,

*who shows up for their activities and takes an interest in their lives,

*who comments on what they are doing right and sets firm and fair expectations if they mess up.

BE THAT ADULT

Don't focus on what the other parent is doing or not doing.  If a child has at least one healthy, committed parent to attach to, s/he has the foundation to thrive. The way parents behave in front of their children has a big impact on the child. 

Children fare best whose parents monitor their own behavior, keeping these points in mind:

*Keep conflict away from children. It is heartbreaking for children to hear parents criticizing  each other and fighting. 

*Take the high road and refrain from "bad mouthing" your child's other parent.  Two reason: Children identify strongly with both mom and dad.  If they hear a parent being criticized, they feel it deeply, as if they are being criticized too.

*When children are little they can be taught to say to mom or dad, "It makes me feel bad when you say mean things about my mom/dad.  Please don't do it in front of me," and walk away.  It is my observation that older children and young adults simply tend to avoid spending time with a parent who criticizes.  They may admire the parent who has not exposed them to this and back away from the one who has.

Parenting through divorce takes wisdom and courage and strength. 

Thank you, Marilyn, for this valuable informtion.

As women in divorce, seeking help with divorce, and even looking forward to life after divorce, we hear a lot about maintaining healthy boundaries. The idea of boundaries always sounded so empowering to me, though I had no idea what they meant, probably because I never had any!

One day a wise woman offered a simple explanation. "Never walk into the North Wind with your coat held wide open."  As  a native Minnesotan, I understood immediately!

If you do not protect yourself from the harsh wind, not only can you get physically sick, you can become resentful and angry: "Why doesn't it just stop?"  You can become anxious and fearful: "Will this ever end?"  And when frost bite sets in, you become numb and stop feeling anything.

Setting healthy boundaries is a loving gesture and a statement about our dignity.

Many of us either don't realize our coat is open or don't realize we have the power to wrap it around ourselves.  This understanding grows the more we chose to make decisions that are in our own best interest.  This was very difficut for me to learn.  I was taught to value everyone else's  interests above my own, and if I didn't, I believed I was being terribly selfish.  What a surprise to learn that when I did what was best for me, it turned out to be best for eveyone around me.

And I came to understand that boundaries are not just for physical safety, but also for our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual integrity.  When someone tells you how you should or shouldn't feel, what you should or shouldn't think, or how you should or shouldn't connect with your Hgher Power, it is a boundary issue.

Creating, maintaining, and adjusting our boundaries is a life-long process and one that will protect us from whatever the North Wind and Life may blow our way.

Suggeted Reading: Living in Your Comfort Zone by Rochelle Lerner

Suggested Support:  Our Monthly Dinner & Discussions.

When women divorce and are looking for divorce support, and later wondering about life after divorce, one of the most valuable things we can do is to take time, now and then, to sit quietly and simply "be."

Sometimes it can help if we sit with a cup of tea, or a bowl of ice cream, or a pad of paper and a pen to journal any thoughts or feelings that may come along.

Recently I had an image of myself sitting alone by a campfire on a beautiful star-filled night.  Next to me was the heavy backpack I'd been carrying for so long.  I kept it with me always, and the times it became too heavy for me to carry - or I became too weak - I would drag it along.

I have much further to travel in my life, and I'm exhausted.  If I'm ever going to move from this place, I need to examine the contents  of this backpack and decide what to leave here by the fire, and what precious things I want to continue to keep with me.

I honor my history and bless it, so I will not discard my history.  But I have decided I will discard the derogatory commentary and the judgment about it that hold me back and weigh me down and drain all my energy.

We each have the power to do this.  And when we do, our history will not be something heavy that we carry on our shoulders.  Instead, our history will flow around us like a brilliant cloak.  It will support every step we take like a great, strong pair of hiking boots.  It will whisper in our ear and guide us along our path.

How does this happen - this sorting out of our lives?  I'm not sure, but I do know how it begins.

It begins when we can sit quietly and simply "be."

For women and divorce the road to recovery can seem terribly daunting. We want divorce help to move through this often painful process, but sometimes it feels as if the journey will never end.  There is much divorce support and divorce advice available, but it can often overwhelm us.  So we decide to take one step at a time but are unsure what those steps should be.

Here are four simple steps, that if repeated, can get you wherever you want to go.

Step 1: Start.  Do one thing.  It may be to call your attorney, start a budget, go for a walk or eat a bowl of ice cream.  Sometimes the step you take may be going backwards. Try not to fret too much when that happens, because it happens to us all.

Step 2: Celebrate Step 1.  Balloons don't need to come down from the ceiling, but acknowledge your courage by getting yourself fresh flowers, soaking in the tub, or simply smiling back at yourself in the mirror and proclaiming, "I took a step.  Good job!"

Step 3: Stop when you need. Listen to your body.  It is very wise and will let you know if you need to rest, breath, cry, or simply be still for a few moments.

Step 4: Start again.

You may be shaking your head and thinking, "How these few steps can make any difference at all, when this process feels like a marathon?" 

Respect the Distance is a phrase that is familiar to those who do run marathons, and it's valuable advice - not just for runners. When you respect the distance in your personal "marathon," you will be kinder to yourself. And when that happens, you will be better able to focus and access your skills and your wisdom.

Continue to put one foot in front of the other.  You are moving towards more than a finish line.  You are moving towards your new future....one step at a time.

Recently I received an email stating that for many women and divorce, though the Prince may be gone, the Princess still wants those glass slippers.  I laughed and thought - you bet -  who wouldn't want a great pair of shoes!

I understand that over time our glass slippers have become scratched and dull and are probably chipped at the toe. And I realize that these beautiful glass slippers represent all the beautiful dreams we had for our future, and we want those dreams back.  

When we are ready, we can polish our glass slippers, add some bling, and be better able to keep them from being damaged again.  And if we want, we can exchange them for running shoes, hiking boots, ballet slippers, and even flip-flops!  Or we can create a closet filled with shoes and a future filled with dreams, for life is filled with possilbilites.

Thank you Kristen Naros from Naros Law for inspiring this blog!

For many women in divorce the idea of wearing a costume and going trick or treating brings back childhood memories of walking through the neighborhood on crisp autumn evenings, collecting bags filled with treats, and then sitting on the living room floor sorting out favorite candies.

The Saturday night before this year's Halloween, I was invited out with friends and had to wear a costume.  Since I didn't have one, they insisted I stop by their home early in the evening, and they would have something ready for me to wear.

Then I realized something spooky.  Many of us were married to a spouse who was in disguise, who hid his true self behind a mask.

But even more frightening was that many of us began to wear our own disguise, especially if we were in emotionally (or physically) dangerous relationships.  We disguised our feelings and our thoughts to keep peace and to protect ourselves.  We believed this would keep us safe, but we were wrong. And we began to disappear.

It takes tremendous courage to take off our mask and see who we really are.

The Trick is to trust how we truly feel and what we instinctively know.  And the Treat is that we will rediscover our authentic self.

Then we can dress ourselves, not in disguises that hide us, but in costumes that reflect this genuine self. We can delight in the glitter of our costumes and enjoy how cool we feel when we spin and our cape twirls around us.

We all have the power of Wonder Woman, the grace of a Princess, the ability to transform like the Butterfly.  My costume that Saturday night was Spider Woman.  In many Native American traditions, the spider is a reminder that we are the weavers of our own destiny and that we have the ability to weave the past and the future and create delicate, yet very strong threads that sparkle when touched by the sun.

Please remember your power, your grace, and your abilities to tranform and to weave a new and beautiful life.

There is so much advice for women, and for women and divorce in regards to financial support and guidance.  Many excellent books have  been written, and there are many great financial planners to choose from.

I have been unsure of what to share about this topic, because some divorced women are financially secure and comfortable, while many others are stuggling and scared.  Some of us have strong money management skills, and others have found ourselves with no money left to manage.  Our emotions range from feeling irritated to being terrified.

May these four points be helpful to every one of you.

1. Surround yourself with strong professional help.  Find a financial planner, a banker, and an insurance agent who you trust and are comfortable working with.  And, if after some time you feel any of these professionals is not a good fit for you, find someone else.  Many of us will stay in a bad relationship too long...whether it be personal or professional.

2.  Start where you are.  If you can only save $5 a month, that is where you start.  If you want to contribute to a cause that is dear to your heart, and you can only contribute $3, that is what you do.  As you rebuild your life, your finances will grow, and you will be able to do more for yourself and for others.

3. Attitude is so important.  Don't you get tired of people saying this!  Yes, you will be able to rebuild your life.  Please believe this, and value yourself and your fututre.  Please be grateful for what you do have.  And please remember it's not cold, hard, cash...it's soft and warm!

4.  Be willing to move forward.  When a friend found herself stuck and feeling angry about being financially damaged by her divorce, she decided to consider her financial loss the ransom she paid for having saved her life, and to treaure the new life she was beginning.

Starting where you are, and moving forward with a great attitude and professional support, will empower you to build the strong, solid financial foundation for your life that we each deserve.

Tremendous sadness is all too familiar for women and divorce.  I was great at being sad.  If it was a sport, I was performing at Olympic an level!  But try as I might, I could not "do" anger.  You see, I never learned how to deal with anger, because was brought up to be a Nice Girl, and Nice Girls don't get angry.

As any serious athlete, I asked for help.  My coach - well, my therapist - gave me two assignments.  First I was to purchase a large pad of paper and a big box of crayons, place the pad on the table, take a crayon from the box, and scribble my anger onto the top sheet.

How silly, I thought.  But the first time I tried, I turned  my head away and squeezed my eyes shut.  Did it frighten me to see my anger, even on a piece of paper? Was I afraid I was going to be punished when my dark thoughts appreared in my scribbling?

Eventually I could watch my hand fly across the pages, sometimes pressing so hard I tore through the paper. When I finished I always felt calmer and sometimes even exhasuted, like I had just finished an intense workout.

My second exercise was to write the letters to my ex that would never be sent.  I wrote some doozies! One day, sitting down to write yet another to add to my stack, I realized I was writing the same things over and over. It was getting boring!  So, I wrote instead to my anger...

"Dear Anger,  Enough already!  What is the deal anyway?"  As I wrote I began to understand my anger was a valuable tool, warning me when something was dangerous. And it had a powerful energy that pushed me into action, helping me get of the sofa and move forward in my life. 

These are vital gifts for all of us... even Nice Girls!